The conversation happened on a Sunday night after dinner, with the dishes still in the sink and Juno lying across my feet under the kitchen table like a weighted blanket. My dad had a stack of bills in front of him, because my dad always has a stack of bills in front of him. My mom had a cup of tea and the look she gets when she already knows she's going to lose an argument.
The argument was about money I wanted to give them.
I moved back into my old room in Wilmette last July, after my lease in Rogers Park ended. My parents never asked for rent. When I brought it up the first time, my mom said something like "you're saving for your future, that's your rent." Very nice, and also not how I wanted to live.
Since March I'd been handing her roughly $150 a paycheck for groceries and utilities. Some months she took it. Some months she quietly put part of it back in my car's cup holder. It was never the same amount twice and it wasn't on any schedule, which made it hard to budget around and a little awkward for everybody.
I wanted a fixed number for three reasons. First, I'm 25 with a full-time job, and paying something makes me feel like a member of the household instead of a long-term guest. Second, I needed a real number to build my budget around. Third, at some point I'll have my own place, and I don't want rent to come as a shock.
This month I also made the last payment on my credit card, so the timing felt right. With the card gone, I could afford to make this official without slowing down anything else.
How we got to $300
My dad did what he does best and pulled up a year of household bills. Gas, electric, water, internet and the trash and sewer charge from the village came to about $430 a month on average, a little more in January and a little less in May. With Nolan away at school in Urbana most of the year, it's usually three of us in the house. A third of $430 is about $143.
Groceries were harder. My mom does most of the shopping, and she guessed I add $50 or $60 a week, mostly dinners and the yogurt I go through faster than anyone should. Call it $220 a month.
So on paper my share was about $360. I offered $350. My mom offered $200. My dad looked at both of us over his reading glasses and said $300, and that was that. My mom agreed on the condition that I stop buying "random extra groceries" to make up the difference, which is fair, because I had been doing exactly that.
It goes from my checking account to hers on the first of every month, $300, by automatic transfer. No more cash, no more cup holder refunds.
What the $300 covers and what it doesn't
- Covers: the groceries I eat at home, including family dinners and breakfast.
- Covers: my share of gas, electric, water, internet and the village utility bill.
- Doesn't cover: my lunches on workdays, which I buy or pack myself.
- Doesn't cover: toiletries, my own snacks, or anything I want that the house doesn't already stock.
- Doesn't cover: my phone line, which is a separate $35 a month to my parents.
- Doesn't cover: my share of the family auto insurance, a separate $95 a month to my dad.
Put together, I send my parents $430 a month: $300 for the house, $35 for the phone and $95 for the car insurance. That's a real number, and it's still far less than the $925 rent plus utilities I paid for my half of the Rogers Park apartment. I know how lucky I am. I try not to forget it.
The rules we agreed on
We wrote three things down, mostly at my insistence. The $300 stays the same until I move out, unless something big changes. If I'm away for a week or more, it doesn't change, because the bills don't really change either. And if they ever need it to go up, they tell me instead of absorbing it quietly.
My mom cried a tiny bit, not because of the money but because, in her words, "you sound like your father." My dad said that was the nicest thing anyone had said about him all week.
Living at home at 25 comes with a small, steady feeling that I'm behind. Paying a fair amount doesn't make that feeling go away, but it helps. And now there's one more number in the club sheet that doesn't change from month to month, which makes everything else easier to plan.
Next month the loans get the card's old payment. More on that soon.
